So I was watching TV last week and I must say I'm appalled:
Entertainment Tonight told me that the new Superman was gay.
My first reaction was: “Nonsense!”
Superman is an icon!
He stands for truth, justice, and the American way of life,
which translated into modern terms means
“go buy more cheap plastic shit at Wal-Mart!”
My second reaction was “Well, yeah, no duh.”
People are surprised by this?
Entertainment Tonight's slander against the Man of Steel
was just confirmation of something we've subconsciously known for years:
Most superheroes are gay.
I can see why the media would start this smear campaign.
Not because the director of the most
recent Superman movie is openly homosexual,
but because our media is prejudiced!
Superman, after all, is an illegal alien.
We don't want them foreigners coming across our borders
Rescuing our American women as they fall from buildings
Saving our American cats when they get stuck in trees
Protecting us Americans from other angry hostile foreigners
Like Darkseid, Mongul, or Effron the Sorcerer!
We want our American jobs for us Americans!
Why in this day and age a Krypton-born superhero
would be lucky to get a job cleaning up after Captain America's dog!
Superheroes have always been a bad influence on kids!
Adam West's Batman convinced my cousin Nathan
to jump off the roof and try to fly.
(Dumbass, everyone knows Batman can’t fly!)
Superman shows preschoolers that, yes, sweetie,
it's ok to walk around with your underwear outside your pants
And I'd blame the Human Torch
for making me into a pyromaniac,
though in retrospect I was playing with lighters and WD-40
before I knew who the Fantastic Four were.
In this same vein, due to America's love of lawsuits
and the rampant stupidity of our fellow countrymen,
the Superman cape at Target is sold with a disclaimer:
“Wearing cape does not enable user to fly.”
Well there shatter my childhood dreams.
The way I see it, what harm could come if Superman really was gay?
It wouldn't be that much of a jump
from his mild-mannered reporter persona.
It would pave the way for the rest of the repressed Justice Leaguers
Who've been hiding in the closet since 1962
watching Lawrence of Arabia and A Taste of Honey
Batman would come out of his cave,
Robin would soar out of the nest,
and the Green Lantern would let his love light SHINE!
Well if you didn't figure out that one on your own,
it'll take more than spandex-clad vigilantes to turn
on your Bat-gaydar.
Most superheroes are queer, gay,
“not quite right” in the religious Right's way.
And I say that straight-faced,
gazing into a pint of Superman ice cream
marveling at its melting rainbow hue...
It tastes like fruit when it goes down.
If Superman were gay,
Superman would be supergay.
Superman would be fabulous.
Superman would be Superfabulous.
Superman would walk up to Lex Luthor with jazz hands,
Slap him across the face, and go
“World domination? I don’t think so, honey!”
And the world would be a better place for it.
—by Maureen “Molly” Kennedy ’11