Matthew Imber ‘11’s student musing “Stirring the Pot” in Grinnell Magazine’s winter 2010 issue chronicles the long history of Grinnell’s alternative press. But it can’t possibly convey just how funny the B&S, the College’s current alternative paper (Imber edits it), really is. So, here are some of the tamer stories and story excerpts from the past couple of issues. We bet you can’t read them with a straight face!
Students Protest Protesters Counter-Protesting Protest
OLD GLOVE FACTORY – A group of students calling themselves Students Against Pointless Protests (SAAP) is demonstrating in the JRC. Representatives from SAPP say they are trying to bring attention to important, overlooked issues, and that critics of their methods are overreacting.
SAPP is currently protesting the lack of a counter-protest against their protest.
“You shouldn’t pay attention to students protesting,” said Kory Steele ’11, handing out leaflets to faculty and staff outside the Old Glove Factory. “It only encourages them.” Steele has written letters to the editor in the Scarlet & Black after other students, including Students Against Students Against Pointless Protests, criticized his group for offending segments of the student body, using excessively confrontational language, and criticizing other student groups for being offensive and confrontational.
Steele, formerly of Students For Being Against Things and Grinnellians Against Supporting Things, has publicly denounced the usefulness of public denouncements.
Severe Storm Pours Tons Of Work On Grinnell
CAMPUS – Wednesday afternoon, a massive storm poured tons of readings, papers, and group projects onto Grinnell College. Early figures estimate an incredible 530 social lives were lost during the downpour.
The storm began shortly after classes, dumping a total of fourteen inches of work onto the campus and causing an estimated 1.2 million pages of reading. Flash flooding swept through the steps of Burling as students raced to take shelter from the storm in dorm rooms and the Grill.
Chief of Security Stephen Briscoe promptly sent out an email three hours later alerting the community of the severe weather, warning of textbook precipitation over the next several hours, including the possibility of seminar-sized hail.
Career Development Office Plagued By Leaked Emails and Cables
1127 PARK STREET- A posting by Wikileaks has revealed thousands of emails and cables sent by the Career Development Office over the past five years …. Those cables depict the college as using recently graduated alumni in sweatshops to knit all the clothing in sold in the Grinnell bookstore.
First-Year Loses Best Pick-Up Line With End of Tutorial
NOYCE – Donovan Richards ’14 is facing the prospect that with the end of Tutorial his best pickup line will become irrelevant. “Hey baby, what tutorial are you in?” worked well for Richards throughout the semester.
Sexually Frustrated Student Excited for TSA Pat-Down
DES MOINES – This winter break, traveling students will have a choice between backscatter machines or a full body pat-down at Des Moines Airport. Most students are dreading this, deathly afraid of cancerous outbreaks all over their bodies, or having flashbacks to Catholic school. Some students, however, like Harry Richards ’13, are excited. “Oh man, this is going to be the most action I’ve gotten all semester,” said Richards.