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Since my last report, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my year. At times I have felt that living in Nanjing has been like living in a dream; things happened that I never would have expected and in ways I could not comprehend. Over the course of the year, these moments of confusion and puzzlement have occurred with less regularity and for shorter amounts of time. I've learned volumes about how to function in China on a daily basis and the day to day events which initially confounded me have slowly started to make sense. Even when I can't make heads or tails of a situation, I'm often much less surprised by it than I was even a few months ago. But despite all the thought I have put in and all the effort spent trying to sort through my feelings, I have been unable to arrive at a neat, tidy resolution.
Even after having come this far, I feel like I have only gained the ability to connect with Chinese culture on a deeper level during these last few months. I've been learning to play Mah Jong since last semester but have only been confident enough to play it for money the first time a few weeks ago. In retrospect, this was probably a good idea considering that I only broke even after a Chinese friend joined my team the final round. But before now it wasn't anything I could even consider attempting. I have finally started learning another erhu song and am continuing a great friendship with my teacher. My spoken Chinese, probably the most direct path to better cultural contact, has improved quite a bit since I started taking morning classes at Nan Da. I have reached the point that I can understand most vocabulary pertaining to frequently encountered situations in at least a few different regional accents. I successfully braved both the bus AND train ticket counters by myself for the first time in advance
of a trip to Hangzhou, the last of the six ancient Chinese capitals Katie and I had yet to visit. Even going to Huang Shan (the Yellow Mountains) was not nearly the frustrating experience it could have been in part because I was able to have a short conversation with the eight Chinese tourists sharing my room just before going to sleep. Lastly, I have continued to progress in my teaching abilities and have finally gained a sense of my students' needs as well as topics they find engaging. While I suspect one reason they have become less shy about speaking is because they are simply more familiar with me, I hope another reason for their improvement is that I have actually accomplished something during my stay.
I am incredibly grateful for my time in China, have had a wonderful experience here and have been truly happy living in Nanjing. The majority of Chinese people I've met (although they may not always act in ways that I understand), have been very friendly and their hospitality is an amazing thing to behold. I have always felt welcome and respected at the school, even at the beginning of the year (at a point I am sure I was learning more than my students). I have gained so much this year-teaching experience, language ability, musical aptitude, more international friends than I had ever imagined possible and a more worldly perspective on both China and America. While I feel like I have made a difference, I can't shake the feeling that I've taken away more than I have been able to give back in return. It seems like such a shame to leave now that I finally have a handle on what I'm doing. In my last report I proclaimed that I would come back for another year if I had a chance, and due to a variety of circums
tances (be careful what you wish for!), it looks as though I'll be able to do exactly that.
Returning to Nanjing
It was only last month when I was told I could return for a second year as a Nanjing Fellow. And while I am now quite happy I have accepted the position and will return to Nanjing, it was not an easy decision to make. I had definitely been looking forward to going back to the states and had already invested a great deal mentally and emotionally in returning. This past year I have missed familiar holidays, seeing the seasons change and experiencing plenty of other aspects of American culture as well. I miss the amount of space we enjoy, the clean air, the patches of green one can find almost everywhere (even in the cities), the value people place on privacy, and the feeling that people understand me (and likewise that I understand them in turn). I have missed going to concerts, traveling on road trips, listening to American music and barbequing. I love the things I can do in America as simple as being able to drink cold water straight from the faucet, have a slice of cheese or a glass of milk whenever I
want, or hug someone just because they're my friend.
An even bigger reason for me to return to the states was to spend time with my family (both nuclear and extended) and friends in St. Louis next year. When I was deciding what to do, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that choosing the United States was choosing my family and choosing China seemed to be turning my back on them. But while it's true that I won't have nearly as much direct contact with them as I would were I living in the same city or under the same roof, I think it is also true that I have been able to stay in close contact with them during this year despite being on the other side of the world. Although pricey by Chinese standards, occasional phone calls to the United States are still quite affordable and I have been extremely thankful for being able to correspond daily with close family and friends through e-mail. I think living in China for a year would have been much more difficult ten years ago, even if I had the same exact experiences I have had this past year. I don't know if I wou
ld have even made it through the first year, much less been interested in doing it again. I am confident that I can live in the China of today while still remaining close to my family and believe I can continue to deepen my understanding of other people and cultures while staying in touch with my own.
I think it is extremely important for people from different cultures to meet, learn about and try to understand each other and I feel that this can happen at the deepest level only by stepping out of one's own culture for an extended period of time. I've become most acutely aware of my role as a bridge between America and the rest of the world these past few months; I feel much more connected to that world in Nanjing than I have at any other point in my life, and this is something I absolutely love. Even after having lived here for almost a year, however, I've only been brave enough to actually ask a close friend the "so what do people in your country think of Americans?" question once. Although I felt it necessary to take some of the things she said with a grain of salt, her answer made me realize just how much I have left to learn about cultural sensitivity and the way that people in other countries see America. I've always thought of myself as an open-minded person, and one who was neither egotistical
nor arrogant. According to my friend, this was true, "at least for an American…"
I wish all Americans could have the experience of spending six months to a year abroad; I'm sure it would work wonders for fostering a better relationship between the U.S. and the rest of the world. But since that's quite impossible, I hope to bring the rest of the world back with me when I eventually return home. I believe that spending another year abroad will help me grapple with issues I have only now begun to face, and will provide much more insightful answers to my questions. I hope it isn't too arrogant or idealistic of me to assume I can do this by returning to Nanjing for another year because I think this is exactly what must happen on a fundamental level if we are to make progress towards the level of understanding and acceptance between nations I want to see in my lifetime. It seems that this is something I can work towards in the upcoming year far better from China than from America. In the wake of the recent atrocities committed by American soldiers in the prisons of Iraq, I believe it is ev
en more vital for America to have a culturally sensitive presence in the world. I feel like my first year has prepared me to take this farther than I ever have before and also hope it will allow me to represent a better outsider's perspective in America because of it. I feel on the verge of gaining a great deal of cultural understanding and think that what I gain during this second year will be even more valuable than what I've gained in the first. I strongly believe that today's world needs this kind of cultural understanding, especially from Americans.
Returning to the States
The prospect of continuing to further explore my role in this process while putting my China know-how into practice both at the school and in daily life makes me excited about returning in August. And while I'm looking forward to coming back to Nanjing next year, I'm just as excited (if not more so) to be returning to the states this summer. I'm looking forward to attending a wedding, sharing my experiences with life-long friends there and spending lots of quality time with my family. It will also be nice to brush up on my English again. Even though (or perhaps because) my job for the past year has been to teach conversational English to Chinese students, I feel like my native language isn't as polished as it was when I was a freshly minted Grinnell graduate. With the knowledge of how my classes should work next year and having a sense about the things my students are interested in, I'm sure I'll see lesson plans everywhere. The insight gained from having lived here for a year will allow me to recognize
and understand cultural differences which I may not have even noticed before reentering the U.S. I think it is an amazing opportunity to be able to observe American culture after having lived in China for a year and then to reevaluate this perspective when I return to China. I know the experience would refresh my understanding of American culture and provide me with lots of new ideas that would hopefully go a long way towards helping me continue to grow as a teacher.
I admit to being a little nervous about returning, too. I've never spent such a long time outside the country before and am a little apprehensive to see how much it has changed since I've been gone (or to realize how much I've changed since leaving). But I am comforted by the knowledge that I will be able to make these realizations in the company of family and friends. I'm also looking forward to reading about China as much as I can. After having lived here for a year and knowing I'll be back next year, I am eager to fill in the gaps of my knowledge while I am in an environment with a large variety of readily available books in English. It is a kind of golden opportunity for me to gain the most from my reading-I already possess insight from my own experiences, and can therefore benefit the most from considering different perspectives and ideas in the upcoming year.
Saying Goodbye
I feel like I've never been very good at saying goodbye. But the past year has definitely given me a lot of practice in doing just that. I love living in Xi-Yuan, but the main disadvantage I see is that we are fairly segregated from Chinese people. Even my Chinese friends who visit every week must check in each time they enter while foreigner friends who drop by far less often are never even stopped. One result of this segregation has been that many of my closest friends are other foreigners, the vast majority of whom are quite transitional. Although students from an American-based study abroad organization are here year-round, their program only lasts for a semester. While students from other nations seem to stick around for longer amounts of time, many of them also leave after a year or so.
I can't say I've gotten good at it, but saying goodbye is much more a part of my life than it was before coming to Nanjing. I've been saying it to friends during the past few weeks as they pack up and leave, but haven't felt too sad because I know I will still have all the Chinese friends I made this year when I come back again. If I knew I was going to be here for two years when I came last August, I'm sure I would have tried harder to make friends with more Chinese people than I have. But I still feel like I will have a solid base of friends next year and look forward to building upon these relationships when I return.
I suppose my return is one reason I don't feel right about ending my report with a "goodbye" now. Plus, Katie and I haven't parted ways yet, which will be the biggest one I have to say before leaving, myself. And while I'm certain I will miss her next year, I am also looking forward to meeting and becoming friends with Victoria in August. So whether you are reading from China, the U.S. or somewhere else, it seems most appropriate to just say:
See you soon!
I like that better anyway.
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